Dull if not unclean

I have entered the What if this was all a big mistake? phase of relocation, interspersed with bouts of My life is dull and unclean.  This happens every year, more or less – it happened with Korea, and I’m sure it will happen with whatever new city comes after Laramie.  This year, though, I’m reacting not only to a location and program but to a medical condition and corresponding cure.  

This past month or so, I’ve been feeling much better overall – and apart from everything else I’ve been feeling relieved.  Several personality traits, as it turns out, were just symptoms.  I’m not absent-minded.  I’m not bad with names or numbers.  I’m not moody or careless.  I can run my schedule up to a deadline and complete basic errands each day.  I’ll be fine.  

I have felt much better – not just with the gradual alleviation of these symptoms, but with the knowledge that they were all the fault of my wavering thyroid levels.  I’m not mysteriously weak – as it turns out, I’m not weak at all.  

But that relief means that every slow morning feels like a setback.  I can’t just stagger around my apartment at nightfall, or drag myself to my laptop in the morning to swill coffee and gaze at facebook.  If I was exhausted because I was sick, then exhaustion is sickness.  

And I may have spent so much time flogging myself into action that normal, unavoidable exhaustion is anything but a consequence of a tiring routine.  Sluggish mornings are not only an irrational bodily response but an unreasonable demand for my body to make.  


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